


I Don't Ever Tell You This Distance Seems Terrible

by glitterfordays



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Inspired by Music, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-22
Updated: 2011-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-27 17:59:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/298500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterfordays/pseuds/glitterfordays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The singer’s crumbling soul was surviving on photographs, video calls, and vodka. He was a wrecked roller coaster; the exuberant highs of something Sauli-related were shortly greeted by overwhelming lows. His spirit only treaded along day by day in hopes that he would get a moment of contact with his boyfriend, even if it was just a single text. Frankly, Adam would take anything he could get.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Ever Tell You This Distance Seems Terrible

**Author's Note:**

> My first attempt at an Adam/Sauli FF! So please don't critique me too harshly. ;)  
> I just got in the mood to write up a quick story with Sauli and Adam.  
> Fanfic was inspired Adam Lambert's song "Better Than I Know Myself". The somewhat-cheesy title (forgive me) is lyrics taken from the song "Living in Your Letters" by Dashboard Confessional.  
> All my fanfics are complete works of fiction, and I take no credit whatsoever for these characters.  
> Please be aware this FF contains some language.  
> Enjoy, and thanks for reading!

  
_If I wanted to go, I would have gone by now._

Well engrained into his head, Adam Lambert had been telling himself those same eleven words almost weekly for the past three months. He wrote those song lyrics wondering if that's how Sauli felt.

Each unhurried day that passed by felt like hell; every day the singer felt closer to entering its scalding gates. The feeling in his spirit was a torture no human being should ever be forced to endure. The musician thought Sauli would have ended the relationship many months ago, because Finland is a whole world away. Adam knew long distance relationships were hard, but with always being in the media didn't help the situation out. Adam was struggling between the idea of being with his love or just moving on; deep down, he knew he couldn’t bare the latter. He had _finally_ found his soul mate, Sauli, in a place he never expected to; Adam wasn’t even planning on falling madly in love with someone who lived essentially a whole world away. But, Sauli was the one he was destined to be with. He just knew it. _He had to be,_ Adam believed with his whole might, _But, I must be certain Sauli feels the same._  


  
\---

  


  
The singer’s sleep schedule was beyond inconsistent over the months; the drastic time difference between the two men made video chatting interesting to say the least. Adam and Sauli took turns: Sauli would take “the night shift” one turn, Adam the next.  
When Sauli appeared in pajamas with a yawn widely spread across his drowsy face, Adam was wide awake and still dressed in his day clothing. Initially Sauli pleaded with Adam to sleep in and just talk to him when he woke, but the singer felt that was unfair to his boyfriend; Adam wanted to sacrifice as much sleep as Sauli did. At first, Adam resented waking up in the middle of the night to catch his boyfriend, but he made great efforts to grow accustomed to such odd hours. He loved sleep, but he loved Sauli more.

The raven-haired man had to admit though, he never really knew when he was getting up or going to bed.

  
He pushed himself to work abnormal hours to accommodate the equally bizarre sleep patterns. Adam struggled to schedule suitable times with his producers, but figured it would ultimately turn out for the best. The celebrity, in reality, was producing most of the album, but bits and pieces of it had to be done by his colleagues. He was working on his third record and gearing up for a new tour to promote the album and its release. Days passed forgettfully. Each one morphed into another, as if the calendar never changed.

Sauli was on the other side of the globe, far from the man’s reach. Every second of the day he brutally battled between his love for music and his love for the man across the world. The thought of Sauli not being there when he got home made him want to stay in the studio from sunrise to sunset. The only thing that pulled him away from his work was the potential of a receiving a letter, video chat, or phone call from the attractive Finnish man.

  
Adam was living a life haunted by his never-ending nightmare. The singer was unable to sleep, for he had a sick, recurring dream where Sauli was always disappearing from him. It varied from night to night, but always ended the same: the singer had his arms stretched out in front of him but, no matter how tight his grip was on the blond man, he was always pulled away by a black haze.  
When the raven haired man would bolt awake from his sleep, it felt like the nightmare never ended: Sauli wasn’t lying beside him.  
“A million miles away,” Adam told himself when he would lie in bed trying to recover from his nightly terrors.  
The only solution to the heartache, he decided, was a small glass of vodka to put him back to sleep.

  
Not attemping to comfort his broken spirit Adam said, “Adam, you really fucked up this time. You can't ever learn to just be happy,” to the empty, room as he poured himself a cup of fresh brewed coffee. The scent lingered heavily in the kitchen, filling the desolate home Sauli once occupied with him. The morning sunrise was creeping into all its regular corners; even with help from the sun's glowing orange-yellow warmth, the house was such a bleak and lonely place now. When he purchased it almost a year back, he bought it for the open floor plans and the chance to have someone share it with him. The gorgeous landscape seen from the balcony was what won the superstar over; it was an ideal spot to share coffee every morning with Sauli. To be honest, Adam didn’t even call it a home anymore: It was just simply a large, four-walled structure he came back to every evening.  


\---

  
With every video chat, it got increaingly difficult for the famous musician to handle. Every time, he was simply waiting for Sauli to say- or even type, write, or text- the words he so desperately longed to receive.

 _"I want to come home."_

Five small words with such meaning, immeasurable intensity. Not one or two, but three. Three _agonizingly_ long months had passed and not even an indication of them had ever been in sight. He knew he had made a fatal mistake asking Sauli to go back to Finland, but he wanted the softest blow possible to his fragile heart. He pushed the blinding screen of the laptop down in dejection as he rose his heavy, freckled body up off the black leather desk chair. He stood motionless in his boxers for a moment; the darkness was not only consuming the room, but his heart as well.

The musician retreated to the silent kitchen where he dug around for something-anything- to comfort him. He resorted to an early morning meal of scrambled eggs and coffee. His heavy, sleep-deprived body hung over his marble kitchen island as his soft bare feet tapped the bar stool holding him up. Every time Adam began to delve into melancholic thoughts his eyes glazed over. Sticky, salty tears began to trail down his drowsy face; he only cried if he was alone or performing an emotional song. Otherwise, he didn't allow people to see this side of him. Once he was physically separated from Sauli, he began talking to himself to ease the pain. His words ate him alive from the inside out.

 _Why’d I have to end up falling in love with him? I love him dearly, but this constant ache in the pit of my heart cuts every single day. I don’t know if I can take this anymore. If only Finland were as close as Canada. Damn. I wish you were here. I could never leave your side, no matter what I say...or think._

As he chewed and swallowed his last bite of egg, he attempted to dry his tears. Something was caught inside his throat; he realized it was diminishing hope, choking him to the point of being literally breathless. It was something he never experienced in all his years. He had to talk to someone; he _needed_ someone. The pain was overbearing. He fumbled to his bedroom, picking up his phone and dialed the one person he knew could console him: Tommy Joe.

  
"Hey...I need you. Can you come over here?" his voice cracking from holding back tears. Tommy could hear the urgency in the man's uneasy voice.

The voice of the bassist strongly came from the other end of the phone, "Sure thing. I'll be over in just a few minutes."

  
A quick knock jolted Adam about thirty minutes later. The time in between gave him the chance to at least freshen up and throw on a t-shirt, even though the grogginess from his and Sauli's video chat was visible in his demeanor. He cracked a fake smile to try to uplift his mood, but it was no use. He opened his door to a familiar face he always appreciated. Tommy wasn't much of a hugger, but he knew that's exactly what Adam needed at that moment in time; he flung his tattooed arms widely around the freckled singer.

"Oh Tommy, I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm such a fucking mess. I need to get my act together."

"You know, you've been a wreck since Sauli left. Tell me what's going on and I'll do my best to help you Adam."

\---

  
Adam recalled that fatefully tragic day- the day he wished he could take back. No matter how much he regretted it, thought of it, wished for it, no amount of money or time could ever take him back to that heartrending day. It was impossible to go back and change his mind; he couldn’t buy a time machine and magically fix what devastation he had caused.

Adam knew fame was something many only dreamed of, but it’s much more than glitz and glam. He learned this the hard way, and eventually he learned to accept it; in order to make and share his music, he had to endure the negativities of fame. He couldn’t bear to drag Sauli into something like that. The musician knew Sauli had told him many times, “As long as I’m with you, I can handle it. As long as we have forever together. You're the only thing in this world I would die without."

But, Adam just couldn’t buy into the idea Sauli was that _willing_ to accept such a fate. In his heart, he wanted to give Sauli one last chance at finding happiness without paparazzi always looming around the corner. He wanted Sauli to live a life without that; to find someone who could give him actual privacy. So, the famous singer came up with the excuse to get Sauli to go back home and visit family and friends while he poured himself into his upcoming album. It seemed like a very feasible motive to mask the truth, and Sauli hadn’t been home in months.

The day Adam asked Sauli to return home was something the raven haired star had been dreading for days. Unaware of the aftermath of his decision, the selfless act would backfire and cause more harm than good. They were both lounging on the soft black leather couch; Sauli was comfortably sprawled out with his legs draped over Adam’s lap. Adam stroked them softly, his glossy silver fingernails lightly grazing the blond’s pale ankles.

“Sauli? You haven’t been home in a while. Maybe you should go back and visit for a while. I’ll be slaving away in the studio for the next few months. I’d feel awful making you stay here cooped in the house by yourself when you could be visiting your friends and family.”

Poignantly, at that moment Sauli came to realize that he could never come between the music his soulmate so desperately wished to make. Music was Adam and Adam was music; they were inseparable and synonymous. Deep down, Sauli knew that from the beginning. He wasn’t afraid to fall for Adam, but was more terrified of the idea he would never be able to compare when up against the career of a lifetime the musician had worked so hard for. He wasn’t going to give up, but came to the conclusion maybe some time apart would help. The boyfriend nodded, giving the short response, “Yeah. I think that would be nice. I do miss them. “  


  
\---

  


  
The singer’s crumbling soul was surviving on photographs, video calls, and vodka. He was a wrecked roller coaster; the exuberant highs of something Sauli-related were shortly greeted by overwhelming lows. His spirit only treaded along day by day in hopes that he would get a moment of contact with his boyfriend, even if it was just a single text. He'd take anything he could get.

It was a typical evening for Adam, with the typical conversation he and Sauli seemed to be having far too regularly. The talks were over boring, pointless things. Adam hated small talk; he did it far too often at events and would rather just be holding his boyfriend on the couch instead of feeling like a broken record.

"How's work babe?"  
"Same old, same old. How's your family? Did you go shopping this weekend?"  
"Good, good. They all say hi. I got you a surprise at the mall! Nothing else new with me, I caught up with Tommy through email yesterday."  
"Oh really? Yeah, he stopped by the house last week."  
Adam had recently begun avoiding any detailed questions. He sure as hell wasn't going to mention their relationship. Honestly, the only thing that mattered to Adam was that he could see his boyfriend and his smile light up the computer screen. The singer wasn't able to kiss that smooth, tender face, but at least he could see it.

Sauli was holding back from Adam an important piece of news. Thanks to Tommy's email, Sauli was told why Adam had asked him to go back to Finland. All along, Sauli truly felt at home when he was with Adam, but realized the musician had asked him to go home out of love; after writing Tommy back, the Finnish man booked the first flight back to Los Angeles.

At the end of every video call, Adam could inevitably feel his heart being forcefully ripped open at the seams as they each said their goodbyes. Sauli was just so adorably predictable- a slight, gentle wave from his soft hand was always the farewell the blond gave at the end of their video chats. It took every bit of strength Adam had left to hold back the tears from pouring down his textured face. The man waving to him on the screen was _right_ in front of him, yet he was impossible to reach. The singer winced at the upsetting thought as he bitterly waved in return.

  
Oblivious to Adam, the blond foreigner had been hiding with his laptop in Adam's garage for the past hour. Sauli fished some pajamas out of the numerous bags he brought back from Finland; he sneakily sat in the dark, cool garage for their entire conversation. The man left all his possessions and luggage near his now-closed laptop and slipped through the garage door that led towards the main driveway. Sauli wanted this to be planned perfectly and as romantic as possible. He imagined it as the final scene in a cheesy romantic film, and wanted Adam to remember the moment for the rest of their lives. Adam was never taken by surprise, but Sauli was determined to catch his boyfriend off guard.

The blond nervously attempted to look presentable by yanking the wrinkles from his sleep shirt, a vintage band tee Adam had given him many months ago. He tugged anxiously at the cotton shirt's tightly stitched hem while his bare feet dashed their way up the smooth cement steps to the front door. His shaking pale index finger dug deep into the door bell button. With a loud "ding dong", Sauli swore he could hear his heart beat ringingly through his ears. The sound of his breathing grew with immense intensity, but it could not outdo the deafening beat of his palpitating heart. He recognized the familiar sound of the famous singer's footsteps making their way to the threshold. Adam was looking down at the handle unaware of the man standing in front of him. Adam jerked his head up, hearing the words he had been so desperately longing for.

  
"Baby, I want to come home."


End file.
